You’re very insightful for someone who isn’t on the asexual spectrum, especially the farther end of it.
And yet, you haven’t even broached the surface. All anyone ever seems to care about is sex: how much you have, when you have it, how you have it, who you have it with. Religion, Politics, Literature; you can’t seem to escape it, sometimes not even in your own home. My christian mother spent my whole life telling me to wait until marriage for sex, that it meant more then and kept me pure and godly. But when I told her that I am asexual, she became angry. She told me that I wasn’t sexually abused as a child so of course I’m not asexual. She told me that I am straight and that there is nothing wrong with me- the wrongness being, of course, the asexuality. She told me that maybe I didn’t have urges now but that one day I would meet that special guy, and have special feelings in my nether regions. She, my own mother, couldn’t accept my not desiring sex.
All anyone seems to care about is sex, and they all seem to contradict themselves- as if another persons sex life is their business and under their control. Television shows, movies, music, books, magazines, photography, small talk with the girls. They say sex is healthy and that you should be open about it. Yet when you are, when you come out as ase, no one excepts it. Because no-one but an asexual person can understand how it feels to be asexual. In their head, looking at a hot chick and feeling horny is normal and it happens to everyone. And if it doesn’t happen to you, you are lying. Or a prude.
So many people claim to be open and accepting of sexuality, but no one seems to be able or willing to even try to see what asexuality is. They blow it off. They don’t care. And they don’t know anything.
Because let me tell you, the spectrum is huge. There’s a huge massive grey area filled with massive grey objects like it’s a town in The Giver. There are asexuals who masturbate, and ones who don’t. There are those who engage in casual sex, and those who engage in meaningful sex, and those who don’t engage in any sex at all. There are those who are romantically attracted to men, those who are romantically attracted to women, those who are attracted to both and any in between, and those who are attracted to neither. There are men and women and neither and both, who are short and tall and rich and poor and each completely different but each going through exactly the same troubles every single day. We have the worst of it. We are outcasts.
Because bigots can at least understand homosexuality, because it’s still physical attraction. It is still lust and desire. It is still the same damn thing, it all is. But to people with sexualities, we are wrong.
Yes, it does make our lives difficult, and it is unimaginably hard. But we adapt. It’s wrong, but we get used to it. We understand that they can truly never understand, because what’s a part of us isn’t a part of them- and vice versa. You want to know what you can do to help her? You can ask questions. You can listen, and nod, and not talk about it if she doesn’t want to. And when she does want to talk about it, just let her. Ask her how it feels, what she has to go through, what annoys and bothers her. You can let her know you understand. Then, you can tell everyone you know, whenever you have the chance, what exactly asexuality is. You can educate and build knowledge. Because knowledge leads to understanding, which leads to acceptance and equality.
And because you can’t burn every magazine and ban every song and destroy every CD and Blu-Ray copy of Black Swan. But you can be a good friend to her when she needs you to be, and you can be her support. If you consider yourself and “ally,” then be one. And it may be sad or disappointing or anticlimactic, that is all that you can do.